Saturday, June 1, 2013

12 Zodiac Horoscopes from an Asshole Astrologer

I know this was supposed to be up yesterday, but this is close enough, and yesterday I was a bit of a wreck.  So here is my first of twelve days on my second of them lol:

ARIES - Cut the dramatic bullshit when it comes to thinking you have prophetic dreams.  With that said, you have had prophetic dreams.  Shits about to go down.  And remember, none of that histrionic bullshit!

TAURUS - You are Deanna Troi for today.  Remember, Captain Picard depends on you!

GEMINI - Live like me.... lonely.... Gods do I need a god lay -_-

CANCER - You're on high energy today, so give me some of the stuff you're on, could use a bit of a boost!

LEO - Things hare just too complicated for you simple dumb mind.  Thats okay, it looks to be the Season inale of Season 5 of the New Doctor Who kind of complicated.  Just remember, the Doctor lies.

VIRGO - Today is the day to be a lazy ass.  Make sure to spend the time to plan, but, screw it, you're probably too lazy to do that today to.

LIBRA - Be flexible, like the power cord I just
*SNAP*
On second thought, don't be flexible like the cord I just found....

SCORPIO - Today is a day to be artsy, so blow your paycheck at Michaels and then realize in horror that you have no art talent, and cannot recoup your losses on Etsy.

SAGITTARIUS - When one door closes, you must open a window.  Seriously, it's hot out!  Blah-dee-blah about opportunities too.

CAPRICORN - Reach out, reach out and touch someone, reach out, just to say.... hi... also, do not go all "sure, I'll hold."  You dad will cut off your boyfriend's balls!

AQUAIUS - WHat Would Jesus Do?  Hippie Jesus, not the Pat Robertson Jesus.  Seriously, what's wrong with that guy?

PISCES - Be happy for who you are.  If not, you will have to do work, and have you even felt the temperature and humidity out.  Hot as balls out!

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