Two Men Enter, One Man Leaves

So I heard all day, except for going comic book hunting with my friend, about how a school district in New Hampshire has banned the sport of dodgeball due to bullying concerns.  I have heard all sorts of responses to this, mainly that it is woosifying America, making the United States of Woosyrica.  I just took two blinks about it and my main response was, "so what?"  When I went to high school we never played dodgeball, well, not when the gym teachers were looking.  Instead we had Project Adventure!  Instead of dodging rubber balls hitting with the force of a car driving down a town road, we had rope walks and fifty foot climbs, have fun re-enacting the Joker's death from the 1989 Batman!

That's exactly what it looked like to 15 year-old me!

I understand that sports teach us about teamwork and helps build character, but I think what these people are looking for are games that bring out the stronger kids, keeping in place the status quo of power in schools nation wide.  So, I propose that we cut the bullcrap and really bring a physical sport to school-age kids, ancient Greek wrestling!

Oh.... um.... wait, ancient Greek wrestling was done naked, and that's not allowed in schools.  So maybe we need a sport just a gritty and for the strongest of the strong, but nixing the nudity.  Sure, ancient Greek wrestling was metal and to the fucking death, but you have to stick with the laws man.  How about Fencing or Kendo?

Kendo is fun, and I actually (and this is me being honest in what is obviously a facetious post) want to learn Kendo.  Kendo AND Fencing.  However, Kendo is Japanese and not American, and the people need an American sport for an American school, so that we can raise good Americans!  So that removes Kendo and Fencing, since Fencing is Spanish.  Damn, and the fictionalized version of Fencing in Game of Thrones probably had the most epic line in existence.  Oh well, why don't we try the Mesoamerican Ball Game next? I mean, just look at it!

Yes, the Mesoamerican Ball Game.  This game was so epic and character building that if you won, you got to watch the loser get to see his still-beating heart cut out of him as a sacrifice to the Aztec Gods.  How much more character building can you get?  You don't have to be naked like in ancient Greek wrestling, and it's American.  Sure, not USA American, but it came from the Americas, so it should count.  We've got everything you need right there for a good character-building sport: brutality, strength, very obvious winners, clothing.  It's perfect, am I right?

You need a better sport you say?  One that is like dodgeball, ancient Greek wrestling, kendo, fencing, and that ball game all rolled into one.  You say you want a sport so brutal that it makes Tina Turner put on chainmail?

Well then, why didn't you say so, but can't we get beyond Thunderdome?

Yes, you heard me, this whole blog post about me being facetious about a school banning a sport that I particularly didn't care much about and hated more passionately than anything about gym, all was a set up for the most elaborate beyond Thunderdome joke I could ever pull off!  I think I deserve a round of applause.

Okay okay, so you probably want to hear my actual thoughts on this I wager?  Well, to be honest, I never played dodgeball in school, like I stated above, and I turned out fine and in good character.  I guess the point I'm trying to make is that does it REALLY matter?  Besides, I'm a nerd, and if I wanted to be hit by a foam anything, it would be a boffer weapon whilst LARPing.

Especially by the girl wearing the bodice in the back.

And, by the way, I don't hate pain either.  I wouldn't be into wax play if I wanted to completely avoid pain.  Yeah, I would rather the sensuality of hot wax over a rubber dodgeball any day!

To close off this post, I leave you brain bleach, in case you didn't

want to picture me covered in wax ;)

How To Find a Comic Book you have Trouble Finding

STEP 1
One should bring me along to the comic book store.  This step isn't too hard, I am a very good passenger, I won't even change your music or anything.  You have rules about no drinking, eating, smoking, having sex, having ones head out the window like a dog, etc, I will obey them.

STEP 2
Now at the comic book store, let me wonder around and look at interesting things.  Maybe the store also sells games like Talisman or Catan (though I'm really not that interested in Catan).  Maybe they have models or Marvel heroes or mutants from the X-Men, or even Batman (my favorite DC superhero btw).  Now, the important thing with this step is to let me look at said interesting thing.  Let me hold it in my hand, check the price tag, or whatever.

STEP 3
Now this is the hard step, since it has the possibility of making you look bad for bringing me in, or maybe getting us kicked out, but let me make an accidental mess with said item.  I am usually careful, but accidents happen.  I'm not the kind of guy who gets overly excited and plays with something randomly making the mess like that, sometimes I put it back in an awkward way.  What?  I'm no Engineering major!  I don't know how to put something together to be structurally sound.  I only know how to put things together that look good.

Worst.  Customer.  Ever.

 

So, you're probably thinking, so you make a mess, so what?

 

Well...

STEP 4

Look into said mess.  Whatever comic book you were looking for SHOULD BE RIGHT THERE.  By right there, I mean pretty much on top of the pile.  Its a guaranteed method proven scientifically in a comic book store near where I live.  My friend who was looking for said book since Christmas.  Anyway, feel free to hold the book over your head and do the Zelda Item Get sound.

And that, that is how you find a comic book you have trouble finding!