The Dark Little Hole

Falling into Depression

Dying, Slowly

Feeling, Badly

Walking, Thusly

Falling, Deeply

Crying, Lonely

Struggling, Silently

Some times it's hard to say what's needed

The hero's subdued and the coward succeeded

Drowning, Quickly

Thinking, Deadly

Climbing, Sadly

Resting, Eternally

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I wanted to write a blog post about something big in my life.  It's not the living in Florida or the engagement, I will write about them later.  Instead, let's talk about depression.  Yes depression, that little black rain cloud that floats above your head that only you can see.  That rain only you can feel.  I have always personified it as something that almost looks like Abraxas, a chicken headed beinn; except having tentacles instead of serpent legs.  It carries a lasso in my personification, or perhaps a noose.  But, no matter how you view it in your mind's eye, depression is that all consuming mental state that drowns out even the brightest lights.  It sucks, plain and simple.

I have had depression since I was sixteen years old.  Sophmore year of high school was really rough.  After that I was good for quite a few years until I was twenty-two.  Even in that good time, however, many things were dull and subdued.  I shut people out of my life and withdrew into my room.  Buddhist philosophy and praxis, as well as a good dose of friends and D&D, started to turn things around.  But that pit was always there, waiting for me to slip and fall in.  And that was when I was twenty-two.

Things got bad, really fast.  Ironically, it was when I had my first job that wasn't either under the table or seasonal.  On September 7th of 2013,  I almost took my own life.  I was hospitalized for the entire evening.  The hospital psychiatrist wanted me to be held from between 24-72 hours, but a telecommuted psychiatrist, as well as the charge nurse, deemed me well enough to go home.  Ever since then, it had been monthly meetings with a state ordained therapist and weekly meetings with a personal therapist.  Soon the monthly meetings died down and the weekly visits became bi-weekly.  I was put on Lexapro for a while, but I felt more negatively impacted by it than helped.  Plus, let's face it, guys like to do something known as ejaculate, and Lexapro doesn't really help.

My personal therapist was the one who helped me realize that depression sometimes doesn't go away.  It's like it rewires your brain to be predisposed to sadness.  It took me a while to be okay with that.  He also warned that sometimes it can come and go in waves.  That is part of the reason I stopped blogging in 2014, it came back again.  I also became busy working in the direct support field and dating Krista, as well as focusing on myself.  I needed that time.  Time affects all things.  I grew more comfortable in the group home I worked in, I DM'd for a short time, and I asked Krista to marry me.

Thoughout this whole time, still that pit sits there.  Some days I stand on the edge, they are more common than not.  Yet days are coming where I don't even see that hole in the ground.  I know that those days won't last, it will probably cycle around again a few years later.  However, now I have climbing gear and I know how to fall and not hurt myself.  The poem above reflects the fear I have that such things would not be enough, a lot of depressed people have that fear.  Yet I remain hopeful that everything I learned has made me strong, a warrior in the mental arts.  I've studied so much on how to find contentment in the everyday world.  So when that Abraxas-like monster comes around again, I am ready!

Vegging Out and Terraria

I love Terraria!

I would say that I LOVE Terraria, but I know I am goin to wind up with yet another Grandia moment where I forget to capitalize LOVE and have to make another 5-4-5 screw-ups list.  A blogger can only do that so much before they embarrass themselves and leave blogging, and I have already left this blog twice now.  I don't think Musings can take too many more leavings.  Besides, I have Google AdSense now, that means big money, big prizes.  I love it!

(DISCLAIMER: Musings of a Lehigh Valley Guy began and still exists because I love writing and nerdy things, and want to share that love to the world.  Imagine it as ice cream.  The money I make from AdSense is like the chocolate sprinkles.)

(SOURCE: http://cdn.akamai.steamstatic.com/steam/apps/105600/header.jpg?t=1447354225)

Terraria is one of the most well known mining/building games on the market, besides Minecraft.  I prefer Terraria to the latter, to no fault of its own.  Terraria hits me in the nostalgia zone.  It reminds me of Wonder Boy in Monster World or Ys III: Wonderers from Ys.  There is also much more to do, namely because it is 2-D and has had more people involved.  For a while, Minecraft had Markus Persson, a heroic game designer by any measure, programming the whole thing.  Minecraft also has the whole 3-D perspective to its advantage, which leads to some amazing architecture.  Terraria also suffers from its bosses behaving more like Flatland, with the A Square that is your PC is visited by the A Sphere that is the Eye of Cthulhu.  It breaks the willful suspension of disbelief, and leads to situations where, the best course of action is to wage a war of attrition and hide behind the mound of dead bards.

With the criticism out of the way, I want to discus what I love about the game.  Each biome is artfully rendered and each one unique.  The different environs have unique underground locales and dungeons that come with their own enemies and materials to build and use.  The current game has either a demonic biome or a bloody biome that is reminiscent of  a haunted cartridge creepypasta.  The latter biome, by the way, is my favorite.  It makes me think of some godlike entity that died and that its ichor corrupted the world.  There are also biomes that come after certain conditions are met, meteor landing sites and a heavenly realm known as the Hallowed.  However, even in the Hallowed with the unicorns and such that run wild, everything wants to kill you.

Above we have an image of me playing the game with my warrior character, building an appropriate wizard's tower for my wizard/magic-based character.  We also get to see the Amiibo collection Krista and I have, but that is not important at the moment.  I think I have spent a good few hours just joyfully collecting materials and building this tower.  I can't even sit down to play a heavily grinding based RPG for twenty minutes, and I beat all the original NES Dragon Warrior games.  I find the sense of exploration and building the world to be satisfying.  People love seeing their own creations, virtual ones are no different.  I once built a castle in Minecraft, throne and all.  Those were good days, relaxing in the LV, waiting for Comic-Con to come around.  But I digress.  Minecraft and Terraria are both art games in their own way, with RPG elements added on to mix things up and make them exciting.

There wasn't really and point to this post, just wanted to talk about what I have been up to, and to talk about Terraria.  It's fun to blog just for fun from time to time.

:)

You're a Guy, a Lehigh Valley Guy

And I'll always be a Lehigh Valley Guy.

I took time away from this blog because life happened.  We trade in our hobbies for suits and our happiness for slaving away at a full time job when life happens.  We find true love when life happens, that shining golden moment when we find our true love.  We rediscover, we grow, we adult hardcore, we learn.  We make blogs that crumble apart within two posts and reinvent our worldviews when life happens.  And we discover ourselves.

Since my 2015 post, I got engaged to my soulmate, Krista.  We moved to Florida soon after, in early October.  I felt like that was the end of the Lehigh Valley Guy.  You kind of have to be in the Lehigh Valley to be the Guy.  But as fate would have it, we are planning to move back at the end of the year, after we wed and the apartment lease ends.  We miss the Valley, we miss our friends and family.  Not to say that Florida sucks, Florida has wonderful flora and fauna, which is good for our budding photography business.  However, we discovered within ourselves that we are not Floridians.  We are our homelands in some respect.  Ours is on the banks of the Delaware River.

I created a blog called Chest in the Attic.  This is me saying that that blog is being subsumed into this one as a bi-monthly column.  Table Plan and Table Stories are being brought back in this, as well as any unboxings, reviews, and such.  It makes it easier to write a regular column if I take the time to write what I want within reason, instead of heavily restricting myself like I did.  That page will be changing up.

When I return up north I will also be doing columns about stuff going on in the Valley.  Local shit, I know, but its a part of me.  As I have said in a way early post, this blog is me in a way.  And hey, we are close enough to Philly and NYC, so I guess it is more than local (ie, more Comic-Con coverage).  Speaking of personal stuff; I will promote my partner's photography on here like I'm Bill Clinton illegally promoting Hillary at the polls.  Maybe not the best allusion, but I'm sure you catch my drift.

A wise woman once told me, write what you know.  That woman is my mother.  It's high time I listen to her when it comes to blogging!

Dungeons and Dragons 5th Edition pt.1: Player's Handbook

I wanted to do a post that was my take/review of the newest edition to the most well known table-top RPG of all time, Dungeons and Dragons, for a while now, but kept forgetting that I had the new Dungeon Master's Guide for some strange reason.  Not the most glowing way to begin a review I reckon, but I digress.  I have read all three of the core rulebooks and I must say my biggest thing with the newest edition is... *deep breath* MYSTARA IS RETURNING!!!!!

I will just put this here for good measure :P

With that little tangent and digression out of the way, let's begin working our way through the books one at a time!

Booke the First: Player's Handbook

Let me first begin with the wonderful cover-art direction that was taken for not only this book but they other two.  I simply love it.  Don't get me wrong, I also loved the very simplistic stylings of 3/3.5, but there is something about having an image just thrusted into your eye sockets like this.  It is the best form of eye candy plain and simple.  Plus, we have moved away from the comic book stylings of 4E (not entirely though, as I will state later).

I will also place the statement here that, much like I am sure many of you have, I have watched Noah Antwiler's (aka the Spoony One) lambasting 5E in the most harsh ways possible, stating that the edition coddles players and doesn't describe shit.  He also said the book smelled to, which, I will signal boost.  My book reeked to be honest, and the binding is utter garbage.  I'm so scared one day I am going to open this book and the pages are going to escape faster a little coat on a fat guy (or is it fat guy in a little coat).  These things are minor and now my PHB smells like the rest of my room, for the most part, but still, legit things to complain about, especially with the binding.  I heard that they allow you to return the book for one with better binding, but I think I might end up trying to preserve my copy for as long as humanly possible.

And now comes the point that I completely disagree with Spoony as I am oft to do when it comes to his movie reviews (still watch/read them, he is, after all, a very funny guy) and tell you about how this book is AWESOME!  I just love how many options they give you with character creation right from the get-go.  Turn to the Dwarf page, and you get Dwarven sub-races to play, they do this for all the races.  Turn to the Fighter page, and you get awesome paths you can take your fighter (fighters can now do more than lift things up and put them down), it's like the Unearthed Arcana had a baby with the 3.5 PHB and this was it!  Go back to races, look at the Halfling page and...... OH MY GODS!

KILL IT, KILL IT WITH FIRE!

(http://img.4plebs.org/boards/tg/image/1407/56/1407568029707.jpg)

 

What in Baator is this?!?  Nothing inside the PHB whatsoever describes Halflings as "Goldeneye 007 Big-Head Mode but in D&D" monstrosities.  Nope, the art simply just hates you and everything you stand for Halfling players.  Back in 3/3.5E, Lidda the Halfling Rogue was, admitedly, fap material for me.  NOT ANYMORE!  While we are on art, let's talk about the weirdly dueling art styles of this edition.  We have a lot of the old, smooth, classical art of 2E and 3/3.5E, nice beautiful imagery.  Then, on another page, we get this 4E comic book style that is in your face, bold, and meant to draw the eyes of the MMO crowd, as well as anyone else.  The art isn't bad at all, all the art is good, but can we please pick one style please?  This would be like having a Superman comic but with different art on every panel.  Pop-art on one, Japanese Anime on another.  It's actually really distracting in a way.

 

Getting back to the myriad of options you are given, every character will feel fresh and new.  Feats can now be chosen instead of a stat boost, and these feats are much more eye-popping than they were before, changing up how one plays a character.  Again, this is D&D how you want it!  With backgrounds to add to your characters, the customability is endless.  The big goal was to make each class do more at all stages of play, Wizards can contribute more in the early game, and Fighters in the end game, and so on.  Does Linear Fighters/Quadratic Wizards still come into play?  It does, it is an unavoidable problem within the D&D system, but at least it seems to be less noticeable and not as wide a gap is formed as there was in 3/3.5E.  Now play is more about strategy and working as a team instead of  having the Wizard carry the party (sometimes literally).

 

I will state right now as part of my closing that everything in this edition flows together.  there is no detriment to getting all three core books at all.  This has become D&D as you like it.  I once again refer back to Spoony's statement about this edition coddling players.  Well, there are options within this book, as well as in the Dungeon Master's Guide that can change that and make the game more brutal and make the players use their heads more.  I for one would not want to coddle my players.  Sure, not every quest is Tomb of Horrors, but if they want to walk through a swamp with no protection, that is their problem.

Next Week: Monster Manual!

Table Plan/Story: When it's Time to Say Goodbye

First of all, let's just sit back and look at the remarkable absence I have had from blogging in its entirety.  Sometimes life takes us for a curveball and the weirdest shit happen.  Sometimes we fall on hard times for extended periods.  Others, we get so caught up in the good things that we lose track of other projects.  Sometimes we are scooped up into events so legendary the likes of Homer and Tolkien cannot match them (which was what happened to me).  We then come back to these other parts of our lives and wonder just what the Hell happened, what in the name of the Gods changed?

http://giphy.com/gifs/waving-smile-wave-eQswDswZPLMK4

Which brings us to the main point of this Table Plan AND Table Story COMBO-BREAKER!  I have been playing with this D&D/Pathfinder group for almost two years now.  These have been two amazing years full of dragon slaying, dungeon plundering, maiden deflowering, Paladin redeeming, and comradery.  However, due to issues that had come up in my life that intersected with a few members of the group (and the people who own the house we play at), alongside other changes in my life like losing my job and finding true love, I felt like I didn't jive with half of the group anymore.  This lead to a major fork in the road: either radically change absolutely everything with the group, or leave the group on good terms.

I chose the latter choice, and let me tell you, it is no easy choice to make.

 

Some of these problems were a long time coming, things were done and said behind my back, some of these things involved other people who were in my life or are still in it.  As on the changes outside of the group, it is a commonly known thing in gaming group that major life changes do tend to pull either some members away or make the entire group fall apart.  One campaign that I was a part of with a different group (but had members overlap between) was held at this one couple's house that I am very close friends with, but certain changes made them pull away from the group.  I to left that group.  Even then I could tell I was gonna have some of those issues bleed into my main group.  What was left was me feeling like, while some members of the group would have loved for me to stay and play, I no longer felt welcome with the rest.

So I simply explained to the GM that I was having issues with some members of the group, and with other life changes on top of that, decided it would be for the best if I left.

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/File:Dune_Sea_parting_ways.png

This brings us to the Plan part of the post: when does one know if it is time to leave the group.  Sometimes this decision is easy.  If you used to play a weekly game in Chicago and then moved to someplace far away like Orlando, Florida or Bend, Oregon; I doubt you would still be playing in that weekly game.  Gas prices are getting better, but not THAT much better.  Another example of an easy version of the decision is time difference.  If the group plays on Friday nights and you work Friday nights, you can't just up and skip work to play.  That would be irresponsible.  Playing with that group would require a time change.  This is why such websites like Roll20 are amazing, able to play campaigns anywhere with anyone at any time.

Yet, like with my situation, sometimes the choices is difficult.  There is group remediation that can happen that can fix most problems.  For example, if there is a treasure hog in the group, the group can sit down and talk with the member on this issue.  Bada-bing, problem solved.  This works for out-of-game issues as well.  For example, a smoker who take so many smoking breaks that it bogs down the group can be asked to not take as many, for the sake of not breaking up game time.

Some smoke breaks are longer than others

http://weknowmemes.com/2013/11/bong-smoking-jasmine/

 

However,  sometimes the problem is greater than a simple bit of remediation can handle, especially if the problems are more personal in nature.  sometimes you handle the problems but they come back again or in a new form.  This is where you must ask yourself two simple questions: how healthy am I for the group, and how healthy is the group for me?  Maybe healthy isn't the best word, maybe substitute it for how much of a fit you are for the group and vice verse.  If you look at those questions and the answer comes up negative on both of them, then maybe it is time.

 

A close friend of mine, who has been gaming for much longer than I, also gave the advice that you will know when it is time to leave the group.  It is almost intuitive.  So I sat there in my girlfriend's kitchen and decided to let my intuition tell me what to do.  I mean, looking for signs from the universe, known as augury, is a practice as old as mankind.  My gallbladder flipped me the bird and proceeded to do its best impression of being a victim of Jack the Ripper.  I couldn't have gotten a sharper image on what to do if I tried.

 

When you do leave a group, unless it was a really bad time, do try to end it on a positive note.  I told my GM that I hope to play in future campaigns with him and others in the group.  Simply put, nothing more, nothing less.  And I do hope to play with them in the future.

 

Lost An Entire Blog Post

Like, seriously!

I had a huge heart to heart about his blog and the state of my life since the State of the Blog Address, and all Blogger gets me is a shrug and the post pulling a disappearing act.  Seriously, what just happened here.

So, I'm still working, got a promotion, I'm apartment hunting for a place for my girlfriend and I to live, and this blog is returning.

Wish I could write more, but I have a but of a headache at the moment.

State of the Blog Address

Gerfargletargle!

September was not a good month for me.  In fact, I wouldn't say I've been in the best places mentally since July.  That is part of the reason why I haven't really blogged since the bloggiversary.  What I really needed was a hiatus, a sort of no blog period from the bloggiversary to Comic-Con, which is next week.  Again, I am just going on the Saturday, and cosplaying as the Ninth Doctor instead of the Tenth.  Planning on meeting John Barrowman as well.

So I assume you want to know what happened since the death of the Dakota?  Well, since July, I have been having panic attacks off and on, stacked on top of my depression.  Had some life changes happen along that rode to.  Lost some friends, became single again, new job, and some new friends to.  I've reached out to old friends, and have rekindled some amazing things, especially with my friend whom I shall name on here Zombie Girl.  I'm hoping October will be a better month for me, and so far, it has yet to disappoint.

So alongaide that, here is my State of the Blog Address:

*Table Plan and Table Stories are returning to their regular Monday schedule, starting with a Story called "Revenge at Havyn," based at the LARP I go to.

*My friend aka the Pirate, and I, we were planning a YouTube series in which we sit back, smoke cigars and talk about all things nerdy and awesome.  If we do it, expect links!

*Speaking of, Ganon still can't surf the web, too many links.

*I've been getting into board games since my laptop started acting strange (I'm posting this from my new phone, which is basically a phablet), so expect some board game shenanigans.

*Yes I virus scanned and such on my laptop, I'm no dummy, I think it might be a hardware issue, which is beyond my expertise, and I'm too poor for Geek Squad.

*My D&D group and I are making a setting cooperatively so expect posts on that, some of which will be in Table Plan.

*Since last Blog Year I took an accidental hiatus and this year I needed a break to recuperate, I think the Bloggiversary to Comic-Con hiatus will be a thing now.

And there we have it.

By Jove did I miss this :-P