The Dark Little Hole

Falling into Depression

Dying, Slowly

Feeling, Badly

Walking, Thusly

Falling, Deeply

Crying, Lonely

Struggling, Silently

Some times it's hard to say what's needed

The hero's subdued and the coward succeeded

Drowning, Quickly

Thinking, Deadly

Climbing, Sadly

Resting, Eternally

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I wanted to write a blog post about something big in my life.  It's not the living in Florida or the engagement, I will write about them later.  Instead, let's talk about depression.  Yes depression, that little black rain cloud that floats above your head that only you can see.  That rain only you can feel.  I have always personified it as something that almost looks like Abraxas, a chicken headed beinn; except having tentacles instead of serpent legs.  It carries a lasso in my personification, or perhaps a noose.  But, no matter how you view it in your mind's eye, depression is that all consuming mental state that drowns out even the brightest lights.  It sucks, plain and simple.

I have had depression since I was sixteen years old.  Sophmore year of high school was really rough.  After that I was good for quite a few years until I was twenty-two.  Even in that good time, however, many things were dull and subdued.  I shut people out of my life and withdrew into my room.  Buddhist philosophy and praxis, as well as a good dose of friends and D&D, started to turn things around.  But that pit was always there, waiting for me to slip and fall in.  And that was when I was twenty-two.

Things got bad, really fast.  Ironically, it was when I had my first job that wasn't either under the table or seasonal.  On September 7th of 2013,  I almost took my own life.  I was hospitalized for the entire evening.  The hospital psychiatrist wanted me to be held from between 24-72 hours, but a telecommuted psychiatrist, as well as the charge nurse, deemed me well enough to go home.  Ever since then, it had been monthly meetings with a state ordained therapist and weekly meetings with a personal therapist.  Soon the monthly meetings died down and the weekly visits became bi-weekly.  I was put on Lexapro for a while, but I felt more negatively impacted by it than helped.  Plus, let's face it, guys like to do something known as ejaculate, and Lexapro doesn't really help.

My personal therapist was the one who helped me realize that depression sometimes doesn't go away.  It's like it rewires your brain to be predisposed to sadness.  It took me a while to be okay with that.  He also warned that sometimes it can come and go in waves.  That is part of the reason I stopped blogging in 2014, it came back again.  I also became busy working in the direct support field and dating Krista, as well as focusing on myself.  I needed that time.  Time affects all things.  I grew more comfortable in the group home I worked in, I DM'd for a short time, and I asked Krista to marry me.

Thoughout this whole time, still that pit sits there.  Some days I stand on the edge, they are more common than not.  Yet days are coming where I don't even see that hole in the ground.  I know that those days won't last, it will probably cycle around again a few years later.  However, now I have climbing gear and I know how to fall and not hurt myself.  The poem above reflects the fear I have that such things would not be enough, a lot of depressed people have that fear.  Yet I remain hopeful that everything I learned has made me strong, a warrior in the mental arts.  I've studied so much on how to find contentment in the everyday world.  So when that Abraxas-like monster comes around again, I am ready!